Clawing my Way out of the Grave

I hate the beginning of my story, even if the journey brought me to where I am today. I grieve for the girl that endured so much from toddlerhood. I grieve for my parents and for my lineage. I feel compassion for my children for having such a wounded mother.

I had a traumatic childhood filled with neglect, abandonment, and displacement, and very early losses of innocence. I went to 10 schools and learned to be friendly and charming and pleasing, to earn my place. I was married at 20 to a nice, smart, handsome, hardworking man that I worked hard to please... no matter how inauthentically. He and I had 6 children who I home schooled and I served myself up for hoping to earn love. I was steeped in self-sacrifice, shadow contracts, and codependent patterning. I home schooled my children, went to church, and hesitated to give myself anything, to have desires, or to dream.

In 2011-2012, I had a spontaneous Kundalini Awakening, and a primal life force began to awaken in me that I didn't understand. Without a guide or mentor, my behavior seemed erratic and unhealthy to the family who depended on my self-sacrifice and service. To maintain the status quo, I abandoned my true nature, medicated it away, and stifled it, which sent me into a spiral of depression and numbing. I was in a crisis of identity that I tried hard to put off for 5 years. Where I had experienced pain, I began to fracture from my emotions. I became unable to feel at all, a zombie that did the bare minimum to keep the family running.

In 2017, my oldest son left home for the military and told me he needed time not talking to me to figure out who he was as a man. I felt rejected, and as he came of age, I was forced through a gauntlet of feelings of abandonment rooted in my own childhood wounds, and the grief of close connection lost and tribal rejection. I had built my whole life and persona around being a good wife and mother, and if I wasn't mothering, who was I?? This showed me clearly that I was living a sham of a life, pretending to be happy and fulfilled when I was desperately miserable, deadened to joy, and felt unloved, unworthy, unvalued, and unseen. I was empty and spinning.

At this pivotal crisis point we moved my daughter's best friend into our home. She came to us with stories of rejection and abuse, but I observed that she had internal mental and emotional patterns that kept her in victim mentality and misery. I watched her choose to reinforce her misery every day and began to look at myself... am I choosing this as well? I began to see that I had a choice... I could choose to keep spinning in misery, domestication, and obligation, or... I could fight for my life. She ended up being hospitalized, and I began to choose to look at the points of light.

I​ focused on the beauty in my every day. I started to work out, to read self-help books, to go to therapy, all the practices that I thought would help me feel better. It gave me some movement forward and temporary relief. I began to have glimpses of hope that I could change my life and create a new experience for myself. I still had no idea who was authentically inhabiting my body. My whole persona had been constructed to please and earn a place at the table and keep a roof over my head. I was smack dab in the middle of a midlife crisis.

Therapy confirmed this, and I began to move toward activities and people that called to my inner child, to the maiden in me. Then, I met some deeply significant souls who activated me, highlighted my wounds so I could see them, and showed me that I had some desires and interests outside the small life I had constructed that now felt like a cage. My husband panicked, his sweet, pleasing, self-sacrificing wife was changing, was choosing herself more, was not so controllable or meek. I stopped playing the part assigned to me (by me and society) and while I sometimes projected my internal feeling of stuckness onto him and painted him the jailer in my mind, I was delving deep into radical self-sovereignty. I began taking responsibility for what was happening in every area of my life, little by little.

I​ decided to start an art project. I studied each chakra and began to do inner work around the themes and ideas that each chakra represented. I dove into correspondences, herbs, stones, colors, sounds, ideas that supported healing in the layered bodies. This project brought me deeper into myself, and the acknowledgment of what my body and mind truly needed. I began to awaken my authenticity and allow myself to have dreams and desires. I apprenticed at a Mystery School and began to study Reiki, to study the Unconscious, to paint and create from inspiration. I began to trust myself and to master systems that I had shunned earlier in my life. I began to heal my deep wounding and reprogram my limbic brain in Shadow Work to open up new possibilities, to have different relationship patterns. I began to travel and to trust myself, and I learned Radical Self-Devotion.

I spent a year purging unfelt, stored emotion in my body. I made questionable decisions. I failed. I started over and over. I disappointed people in the effort to quit betraying myself. I lost friends and was ostracized by my support network and even my family. I learned through toxic relationships. I went from financially supported to finding ways to create my own wealth. I magnetized new opportunities when the "proven methods" inexplicably didn't work for me. I tried out ideas and proved to myself that theory is not the same as execution and experience. I lost the white picket fence life that I had been conditioned to want and a lot of security. I let go of almost everything of my old life except my children and my mastered systems and skills as I clawed my way out of a grave.

What did I learn? So many things! I learned what I didn't want. I learned what didn't work. I learned I had patterns in my life that showed me where unconscious wounds and patterns were sabotaging me from the foundation up. I watched myself learn to follow my intuition into the most magical experience and then the next day sabotage my own progress out of subconscious fears. I learned how to rebuild, reprogram and balance that foundation to build something more aligned and satisfying for myself. I learned how to heal my body, how to heal others, how to heal Gaia. I learned that the pursuit of perfection is a dead end, but flow and movement and harmony between polarities is LIFE. I found out that the idealistic dreams of little me weren't impossible, that life can be fun and a juicy adventure full of romance and interesting challenges.

The core concepts that I mastered in this epic journey to self were non-duality, self-sovereignty, self devotion, and the concept of the personal and collective shadow and how to work with it. I learned through systems like yoga, fascia work, meditation, tantra, tarot, and others, but the most transformative system for me was Shadow Work. The Gene Keys, Human Design, Shamanic work, and hiring great coaches were all important aspects of this work in and with the Unconscious.

A​s I look back, I sometimes wish I could give myself the advice to go ahead and choose what is right for me, instead of feel like my whole reason for existing was to serve the needs and desires of others (a codependent program of not being inherently worthy of love or valuable). I wish I had had the courage to say no to what I had no desire to participate in and take the road that seemed more challenging, but I KNEW was correct. I would give myself the hint that internal resistance is a signal that it's gonna be great when it comes to shifting internal patterns and having a better experience of life.

Most importantly, I wish I'd known that "doing it alone" is a form of self-sabotage and gotten more coaching and community early on. Relationships that make our egos comfortable keep us in our crap and victimhood and enable our addictions and patterns. Perhaps that is why I love to empower others to reclaim a life that is wild and deep and create art that is full of expansion, but in a more intentional, harmonious way. I've made the mistakes and missteps and fallen in all the pits, so I can guide others through those challenges with embodied wisdom.

I learned that I am brave AF! I create change by leaning into discomfort, not running from it. And also, that I am a channel, and a conduit, for the collective consciousness of this planet. I am an Oracle and I create not from my mind, but from the wisdom that is in and above us all. And from this, I create art and beauty and harmony in many forms with many mediums. I am a Creator and Conduit here to bring something new to humanity not as a teacher, but as an example and wayshower of practical application of intuitive wisdom. A pattern not to be replicated, but to be observed to empower others to be authentic and brave and individuated in harmony with the tribe and collective organism.

I've succeeded and will continue to succeed in creating a magical life. Here I am now, with so many unbelievable stories, so engaged in and enthusiastic about life. I've traveled to places I never thought I would see, and met people who have wisdom to convey that I would never have met. I have a full, juicy, meaningful, electric life that tells me I am on the path I am meant for. I have experienced the Divine, the True Self so viscerally, so tangibly that I need not have faith or belief, because I KNOW. I watch my knowing play out every day. I magnetize aligned relationships and opportunities that are evidence that my inner work is creating my outer experience. The world changes for me as I become whole. I have walked many paths, and I will walk more. I will try and things will work or not work, but each lesson is correct. I revel in and wonder at my wonderful, full, expansive, creative life every day! I am so grateful for this life, and I am proud of myself for having the courage to follow my inner Oracle.