The Degree dilemma
I am in my last semester of University... for the third time. In 1999 I dropped out of my first last semester of college at the lush and verdant age of 23. The arrogance and ignorance of youth duped me into thinking I could just finish it up whenever. I was married with a child and in the top 5% of my graduating class-- I only had three classes left: Poetry, the American Novel, and an upper-level Psychology class for my Minor. I was also expecting a baby, and very sick. My husband went off to train to be an Air Force Officer and I missed him, our son missed him, and we were living in my In-Laws' house till he finished with his Officer training. I stupidly decided to drop my classes and finish later.
I went on to have six children in total, homeschooling all of them until it was time to pack them off to fend for themselves in the public education system. All those 18 years of educating my children I came up against the idea that I wasn't a fit educator unless I had a degree. I debated this truth with anyone who challenged my ability to teach my kids, and my children were exhibit A. My children are smart, creative, expressive, critical thinkers, and the proof of my skills as an educator. But in the back of my mind, there was a niggle-- had I failed myself?
In 2018, almost 20 years after I had dropped out, I began again. My marriage was failing and I was going through a big existential crisis around my persona as a "mother" because my children were beginning to leave the nest. Who am I if I'm not being Mom all the time? I had a large employment gap and no degree... how was I going to support myself?
We lived out in the rural piedmont of the Blue Ridge mountains southwest of DC. At LEAST an hour from any four-year institution, I considered going back to the school I had dropped out of for a year. I'd have to pay out-of-state tuition, take all the new required courses for graduation, and be away from my children for two semesters. I decided to go to an accredited online program instead, which had its challenges and drawbacks, as well. Out in the boonies, we had only shoddy satellite internet, no cell service, and lived thirty minutes from any towns with libraries with reliable internet connection.
My then-husband suggested I get an HR Management degree since there were few quality liberal arts programs online at that time. I imagined myself helping people navigate their work lives in cute outfits and offering life advice to coworkers. I was clueless, but I agreed. I studied statistics, change management, and organizational planning and hated every minute of it. I had finished all my coursework but my last class, the Capstone. And... my computer kept melting down, my internet was terrible, I was getting a divorce, my ex was bullying me constantly to get a job, and I got sick over and over and over. I enrolled and withdrew from my Capstone course two consecutive semesters and then... decided to take a break. I could take the class within the year, no problem. But I didn't. I worked on selling the marital home, negotiating a divorce, getting my kids settled into public school, and moving.
By the time my mind turned back to a degree, the deadline had passed, I would have to take even more classes, and I just hated the idea of being in HR. I began to train as a Reiki Practioner, a Jungian Life Coach, I began painting and writing poetry and dating. And, in the back of my mind, I thought, "You just bailed on yourself... you could have had a degree." All that self-development work was beneficial, don't get me wrong. I traveled. I found myself. I have some amazing stories to tell now. I'd meet an amazing man and go on a date and he'd ask me, "What do you do? What did you major in?" and I'd feel embarrassed.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think a college degree makes a person smarter. Intelligence comes in many forms. A mind is sharpened by following curiosity, research, by digging deep into ideas and concepts and philosophies. Skills develop, critical thinking and logic get honed... anyone can make the most of the potential they were born with. A library can be a better way to sharpen intelligence than a University. But... and this is the crux of the thing, I loved college, and I had worked hard to get good grades and gather new ideas. I'd spent countless hours to get a degree that wasn't complete.
But a degree is not just a piece of paper. According to the APLU:
College graduates are half as likely to be unemployed as their peers who only have a high school degree.
Typical earnings for bachelor's degree holders are $36,000 or 84 percent higher than those whose highest degree is a high school diploma.
College graduates on average make $1.2 million more over their lifetime.
That piece of paper could statistically increase my earning capacity for sure, but it was also the prize, the result of years of time and labor. I had nothing to show for literally hundreds of hours of work except less money. The big question I have been asking myself is, why did I quit? I justified it to myself a thousand ways, but recently, I've come to wonder if I was somehow sabotaging myself.
A couple of years ago, I tried again, but this time in person, and studying what I truly love. I enrolled at a small liberal arts college and then moved to the cute little artsy town it occupies to reduce commute time. This historic community is LOVELY and I found a sweet little place close to the river, in a walking community, which is my ideal situation. I debated whether to major in Studio Art or Creative Writing or Philosophy, but I found out that Bachelors could be obtained most quickly as a Creative Writing major, and now I had stories to tell!
So, here I am, in my last semester once again, and watching as I subtly and subconsciously undermining myself. This time I won't allow whatever fear is keeping me from finishing to take me down! I plan to take control of my inner Saboteur. I have already begun! I have started to address each problem as it comes up in a multi-pronged approach. My French grade is pretty low, currently-- that means studying vocabulary right before I sleep at night to help my brain place the information in the correct part of my memory. But, I have a habit of surfing my phone as I settle in which could undermine this French drill habit formation. This phone thing keeps me from sleeping well and distracts me from the other before-bed practices I know I would benefit from carrying through on.
Getting the theme here? "Carrying Through." Someone needs more follow-through.
I'll start with structural change and move my charger to a place that will keep me from picking up my phone and build from there. Next is working on physical flash cards. I don't want to use electronic flashcards for obvious reasons having to do with smartphones and dopamine addiction.
There are other perspectives through which I plan to address this subtle self-sabotage, but for now, let me leave you with this quote from James Clear's book Atomic Habits.
"You do not rise to the level of your goals, you fall to the level of your systems."
