The Road to St. George

Imagine your suburban middle-aged soccer dad neighbor telling you over the fence, "I had a Vision telling me to go to India!"

You might internally scoff with derision, thinking he's insane, or you may freeze in fear of what crazy thing he's gonna say next. Your eyebrow may rise in a giant dose of humor and skepticism seasoned with nasty assumptions about his mental health. I used to do the same thing when a person talked about a calling or a vision.

We've watered down these once-sacred terms to mean a vocation and a habit of looking toward and planning for the future. A Calling was once a very sacred thing, an inner compass or divine voice that led you on a path to your Purpose. This life work was held sacred and part of the creation of harmony in the world.

A Vision was a gift, a peek into the Divine mind, some sacred message delivered to a mere mortal through an extraordinary, esoteric dreamlike image that carried the emotional weight of heavy significance. This otherworldly experience was imbued with an absolute knowing that this is significant and must not be ignored.

Read the rest HERE

The Hidden Self and Inner Saboteur

There is a part of us, hidden beneath the surface, that we often reject or ignore. This part, embedded deep within the unconscious, is where our “inner saboteur” resides. Jungian Depth Psychology refers to this as the shadow—a collection of traits, desires, and emotions that we find unacceptable and therefore repress. We shove it down into a lockbox that even we cannot find. This shadow is not necessarily a dark and dangerous force; it is a vital, living part of our psyche meant to protect us and assist us, and it endlessly seeks to be seen and integrated.

The longer we deny its existence, the more power it gains over us. Our modern psyche is complex and fragmented, split between the conscious persona we present to the world and the unconscious shadow we keep hidden. The persona is the mask we wear to navigate society’s demands, a necessary adaptation for social survival. Yet, this mask often comes at the cost of disowning parts of ourselves that don’t fit the mold.

What we reject becomes shadow, and it is in the shadow that our inner saboteur takes root. This inner saboteur is not an external enemy but a reflection of our own unacknowledged fears and desires. It whispers to us that we are unworthy, unlovable, doomed to fail. We may not hear these whispers clearly or AT ALL; they are muffled by layers of defense mechanisms and rationalizations. But they influence our actions in subtle, destructive ways. Observance and curiosity begins to see this sabotage in repeating patterns.

We sabotage relationships, careers, and even our well-being because, deep down, we believe we are not worthy of success or love. In Jungian terms, the shadow is not evil. It contains everything we have pushed away, both light and dark. To reject the shadow is to reject a part of our own potential. The goal is not to destroy the inner saboteur but to integrate it, to bring it into consciousness where it can be seen, known, loved, and transformed.

This process, known as individuation, is the journey toward wholeness. Individuation requires courage. It demands that we face the parts of ourselves that we fear, the parts that don’t fit neatly into our ideal self-image. We must descend into the depths of the psyche, confront the shadow, and listen to what it has to say. This is not an easy task. The shadow holds pain, shame, and the raw, unfiltered truths we have buried. But it also holds creativity, passion, and the energy needed for growth.

When we ignore the shadow, it doesn’t disappear. It operates in the background, sabotaging our conscious intentions. We may find ourselves repeating destructive patterns, making the same mistakes over and over, unable to break free. This is the shadow at work, driving us toward the very outcomes we fear most. Until we acknowledge it, we remain trapped in a cycle of self-sabotage.

Much like an iceberg, we can only glimpse what is beneath the level of consciousness.

To integrate the shadow is to accept that we are not perfect, that we have flaws and fears like anyone else. It is to stop fighting against ourselves and begin working with all aspects of our being. This means listening to the inner saboteur, understanding its origins, and finding a way to reconcile its message with our conscious goals. It is not about defeating the shadow but about befriending it, making it an ally rather than an adversary.

Because the saboteur isn't trying to sabotage you, it's trying to PROTECT you from something that creates discomfort or a feeling of unsafety in your nervous system... like change.

Through this integration, we reclaim the parts of ourselves we have lost. We become more whole, more authentic, and more capable of living a life that is true to our deepest desires. The shadow is no longer a source of sabotage but a wellspring of inner strength. It is in the acceptance of our darkness that we find our greatest light. Sometimes, we discover treasure here, hidden within, talents, skills, abilities, and always, growing internal coherence.

The journey of individuation is lifelong. There will always be parts of ourselves that remain hidden, just beyond our conscious awareness. But each time we interact with our shadow, each time we listen to the inner saboteur and dig down behind and beneath it to the root in our primal survival patterns... integrate its message, we move closer to wholeness. This is the work of a lifetime, the path toward becoming who we truly are.

One Step, then the Next

I wake up feeling anxious. Do you know that feeling in your chest? The tightness and contraction that says everything is going wrong and I'm about to make a terrible mistake and there's too much and I can't do it all and I want to go back to sleep. Yeah, not my usual waking state, but today? Overwhelming panic. Don't ask me why, I've stopped giving too many stories to explain WHY I feel what I feel. I feel it and it must be addressed and released. That's it. No judgment. Thank you panic for reminding me that I've been procrastinating a LOT.

I count back from 30 and give myself a Reiki treatment, which lulls me into sleep for another half an hour or so. Then I smile up at the morning sun and check in with myself. I sleep with the blinds open because I like the light. Let me be more clear: I adore Sol first thing in the morning. I may be carrying on a little affair with bright and early sunbeams and morning birdsong. The river is my main passion right now, but I don't think she'll mind.

I have been working on expanding and cultivating a morning routine for years. I wake up, meditate, make my bed, and set the tone for my day with some intention and guidance, get hydrated, move, and start work. For guidance, I pray, pull some tarot and oracle cards, and listen to my heart. That sounds so woo-woo and silly, but I am feeling overwhelmed about the transition from student to work life. Looming school loans and making decisions about career and deciding how I am going to move forward and future goals and where I want to live now that I've graduated are all swirling in a vortex of overwhelm around my head. There are too many options and my nervous system isn't coping well. I crave a direction, a vector, a first task to ease the discomfort.

My cards are eloquent and helpful. A gentle reminder from the Queen of Cups to be with my emotions, to fully feel. I sense a rising panic in my body. I am not immune to fear. I have found, through years of Jungian shadow work, that fear is the undercurrent of all my unconscious behaviors of self-sabotage. I force myself to acknowledge the closed fist of a heart in my body. I stop looking away (do you distract yourself, too?) and sit with it to listen. Today's fear presents as massive overwhelm and fear of dying alone and poor. Fear of becoming my mother is right up there, too. Instead of following my instinct to distract myself from the panic, I bring my attention inward toward the tight ball of terror, and ugly cry to let it out. I do that a lot. If I don't tell myself a story about why I need to cry, the emotion just flows out of my eyeballs with the tears and my body relaxes and space for feeling more pleasant things opens up inside me. I just have to be brave and feel my feelings first... ugh.

Seven Pentacles encourage me to keep going. I am reminded that I don't have to handle everything at once. I can cut up tasks into smaller steps and accomplish things that way. A little reminder that I've come a long way and I've done some deeply rooted healing and whole-ing work and I have developed deep roots and the capacity and tools to keep going. I contemplate how much I've been procrastinating, and then sit with the feelings of fear around getting a job: will my nervous system, so burned out, be able to hold consistent and daily tasks? Will I fail miserably? It wouldn’t be the first time. My inner story is that I used up all my resilience by homeschooling my six children and choosing the path less traveled, that I'm delicate and I need to baby my nerves. Every day is a new challenge and it's never easy for me to take steps forward. Still, I keep moving, even if it's crawling on my knees. My inner child is a little toddler, face all snotty and red with tears, but I'm still doing the scary thing, I keep walking. I tell myself it's courage and give myself a little metaphorical pat on the back.

Keep Going

This is where you're headed, girl, keep walking. It's gonna get good.

The oracle Going Forward, echoing the last card, gives me an image of grass. So many blades of grass eating carbon dioxide and making oxygen, holding erosion in check, providing a cushion for feet and body. Grass can keep homes dry, and provide building materials and food in the form of grains. A small, simple thing, that when multiplied many times can accomplish a lot. I hear Dory sing, "Just keep swimming, just keep swimming." The image on the card is a vista of pastoral beauty, my ideal place, with ancient mountains rising in the distance. This is where you're headed, girl, keep walking. It's gonna get good.

Finally, the Scribe, a constant repeat in my readings for the last year. I have been feeling guided to journal more in digital form, to be revelatory, to cease the pretense of having it all together... and then to let people read it. I feel naked while I'm typing this... I know I'm going to publish it and I'm all tensed up and a little nauseous in resistance. That's a good sign it's the direction my soul is taking me if my past experience is any indicator. Bleurgh.

I meditate (this I have well mastered and you're welcome to check out my protocol here) and do some journaling about procrastination and what I am afraid of. I visualize what it would be to feel free to be messy and try things, and what it would feel like when I've navigated this time of transition and limbo successfully. My body feels open now, flowy, ready to move. I go for a walk. Not toward the river where I go for respite, but instead, I choose a pattern disruptor. I turn in the opposite direction, toward town. Maybe eventually, I can walk all the way downtown and hit my favorite coffee shop before I walk home to start work, which would take about an hour in total. That feels kind of dreamy in my imagination. Perhaps it'll make its way into my morning routine.

Peace From the Inside Out

June 2024 Astrology Overview

Peace seems impossible in the world, currently. We watch as the Middle East is again at war, there is more polarity and division in the US than we have seen since the 1960’s, and fear hovers in the periphery of every echo chamber on social media. Since our inner worlds hold the same cosmos that move nations, you are likely dealing with conflicts in much more personal ways. Anger and resentment are rising to the surface, and it’s so uncomfortable. This can be beneficial if we view it as a symptom of imbalances within, rather than a firm reality. Repressed and ignored resentments grow and turn to poison creating much more dangerous eruptions in the future, which we’re seeing all over our globe. Inwardly, it manifests perhaps as disease in the body, familial patterns, or self-sabotage. As these old conflicts and disagreements emerge, we have an opportunity to address or even solve them. The key to creating peace from conflict lies in how you address it. Can we work together to solve problems, or have we so demonized our opponents that we can't see their shared humanity and common interests anymore? Allow yourself to stand in the shoes of even your enemies, and see through their eyes. Attunement is a new buzzword, but it’s a skill we can all develop to shift conflict to harmony.

For some help: Attuned by Hübl

We can do little about large global conflicts between nations, but we CAN plant seeds of peace in ourselves, in our relationships, and in our communities. This month will give us that opportunity.

I’ve been experimenting with the idea that I cannot alone change my experience of reality, no matter how much I do the inner work, because I co-create reality with all of you. We share that job. I can, however, measurably change my experience of day to day life through cultivating wholeness and harmony within. That wholeness can be found on many paths. I don’t want to evangelize my choices, by any means. I honor the unique path of every soul, and would not interfere with that sacred journey. For myself, the pursuit of this inner harmony of polarities, compassion for self, devotion to my connection to the Divine, and recognition that many things are just stories in my psyche that can be edited or even completely rewritten has changed my life from chaos and victimhood to aligned, juicy aliveness. It may seem trite and simplistic, like Pollyanna, but the proof is in the pudding. I am one of the happiest people I know. I have changed the way I handle life’s challenges, continuing to build resiliency and capacity for joy. I do that through Jungian Shadow Work, Reiki, prayer, and somatic work. I don’t think it matters HOW we do this, only that we make the courageous leap to not look away and distract ourselves because it is uncomfortable, or even painful.

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6/2 We'll begin to understand (or at least to spot) the underlying belief structures that have been holding us back which allow for easier forward movement. You may notice that you have begun to move out of patterns of self-sabotage and into grounded balanced changes. A review of how far you've come, how easy it is to behave differently now, and how your old limitations are becoming a distant memory will give you the necessary context. Celebrate yourself, you deserve it! Set your alarm early for tomorrow. The planets will all be lined up in the same area of the sky before the sun rises!

6/3 You may have noticed that old conflicts have been cropping up in your mind. Perhaps you've been having strong discussions with people in your imagination. Think of it as purging strong emotions so that you can have similar discussions in the future without the heat of anger or bitterness! Journal and make some lists to get clarity on which shifts are necessary in relationship dynamics, even with yourself. Examine boundaries. Give this some consistent time and effort so that you'll be more able to say exactly what you need to say, calmly and logically, with a large dose of goodwill. This investment of time and effort will bear good fruit later in June.

6/4 There will be a general rebelliousness centered around authority. Lean into the wisdom of your ancestors and elders to mediate or perhaps guide the feeling of revolution within. It's a good time to pay off debts, to fulfill obligations, and to right ancient wrongs. Review investments and spending without surrendering to anxiety or catastrophizing. Be open to creating new innovative ways to negotiate more balance, harmony, and peace. Can you create space in yourself for goodwill and the healing of polarities? Your opponent may, deep down, want the same things you do. Allow your attitudes around relationships to mature: aim for a little less excitement and impulsivity and more commitment and consistency. Nurturing healthy connections is a wise investment in YOUR well-being.

6/9 Today, you can start having those hard conversations, after all that work going through and synthesizing your feelings and thoughts earlier in the month. Wisdom will reward you for waiting till after this date!

6/14 Today is good for contemplating and clarifying truths versus illusions. There is a dampening influence on the tendency to shoot first and talk later. Take some time to open yourself to new perspectives that create more harmony.

6/17 Sweetness and grace will soothe and deepen the new dynamics you've negotiated earlier in the month. Harmony has a chance to bloom in this time and through June, if you've done the inner work since late May. Enjoy home and tend your nest with intention. Watch your behaviors for any manipulation of others to get what you need to feel safe and loved. Use your new skills to replace those old strategies to speak your feelings and authentically ask for what you need.

6/29 Another chance to take off those rose-colored glasses. You may be surprised at the inner ease created by allowing yourself to be ok with what IS in your relationships instead of trying to force things into something that conforms to your desire.

Create peace internally, and see if it blooms in the world around you. If you frame this as an experiment instead of some woo woo BS, trial and error, or even a scientific observation, maybe it’ll change your experience of reality, too, little by little. There are many organizations studying this very thing and publishing about it. So while you could say it’s mumbo jumbo or wishful thinking, it’s still effective.

While it is easy, and very human, to feel helpless and at the mercy of our circumstances, a great deal of wellbeing and happiness depends on consciously choosing the new lens we use to view those circumstances. This is the heart of mindfulness.

-Melissa Naiad

This is an expanded version of my column in The Black River Times

I earn a small commission from affiliate links, so I’d appreciate your support in purchasing through my highlighted links.

Change for the Better

This article was published in the May 2024 Black River Times

May has some echoes of the rebellion and rapid change that is instigated by Jupiter/Uranus conjunction. We're more willing to take action this month, to be decisive and take that first step because of Mars in Aries. He's kind of having free reign in his own house, but not really in conversation with many other planets this month, though Mercury is hanging out in his house, too, so... watch out for difficult conversations and language that cuts. On the 19th, Mars reaches the place where the eclipse occurred in April and he'll activate it fairly strongly. You'll be putting focus and action into the changes that were initiated then. In contrast, Venus is also in her own house with many other planets. She'll be bringing a strong influence over the Jupiter/Uranus conjunction that's been affecting our lives.

The key to navigating this month in your personal life is to figure out what house Taurus occupies in your own natal chart. There will be rapid change, surprise, and a big overturn of the status quo in this portion of your life. If you're a Capricorn rising, for example, you'll want to be aware of the increased likelihood of pregnancy (so use that information to give that a better chance or to prevent it as you desire). All this change will lead to a good outcome that benefits you, so you'll get the best outcome and feel the least amount of discomfort by greeting change with anticipation instead of fear.

To find out what whole sign house is your rising sign, you'll need to know your birth time, date, and place. You'll go to astro.com, enter your birth information and hit the green button. At the top of the screen you'll see your sun, moon, and ascendant. The sign of your ascendant is your first house and each sign counter-clockwise is a new house.

On May 7 we'll have a new moon in Taurus and then the next day, Luna activates the Jupiter/Uranus conjunction again. Expect themes around quick expansion, rapid change, and rebellious motivations. Moon, Sun, and Venus keep hitting this big, transformative conjunction in turn, so expect more rapid change in emotions, inner landscape, in action and direction, and in relationships and what creates beauty and harmony in our lives and our world. Imagine you're sending different parts of your life in turn through a time machine. May 18 will be an active day for protests, both personal and collective.

May 13, is a day for clarity, as Mercury exits its shadow. You'll have a good chance of creating clarity through conversations, perhaps with a surprisingly good outcome.

On May 14, at 12:30 your local time, EXACTLY, take some time to change and begin new things around career and reputation. Perhaps redo your LinkedIn profile, apply for a new job, start a side hustle, overhaul your website's aesthetics (or hire someone to do it at this time), you could shop for a new career wardrobe. Innovate here. Think outside the box, and look forward into the future, not to the past and what worked before.

May 14, Mercury is in Taurus, this will bring more harmony, grace, and balance to communication. It will also create more conversations about Nature, relationships, partnership, commerce, and abundance. You'll find your mind having less conflict internally, more cohesive direction and harmony in your thought life.

May 18, this is a really buoyant, full energy. A lot of stuff will be happening at once. This will be a LOT of good stuff, it may be a really fun day. Luck and chance meetings. Put yourself in a place where there will be plenty of people so you maximize your chances of meeting people.

May 19, Mars/NN conjunction... sleep late this day, and check your smoke detectors. This is a Mars eclipse of sorts and will speak to your eclipse themes from last month, and over the last year. Stay out of online comment sections, don't hang out in situations that are prone to conflict or disagreement. Ask yourself what you really need, and whether you're willing to disrupt what is in your life NOW to attain what you truly desire under all the fears and cant’s. Your temper may be quick to be triggered. This is a good time to muster the courage you need to leave situations that aren't good for you.

On May 31, you have Mercury aspecting Uranus again. This theme of massive change is pretty constant this month. Don't tense up, and don't assume you know what will change! Ride the wave, let it happen. It will end up so good for you.

Free Your Mind

April 2023

April is a very eventful month this year! We have many dominant and significant transits that will create opportunities for change in our lives. Here, we're focusing on Mercury Retrograde (4/1-4/26), Total Solar Eclipse in Aries (4/8), and the Uranus/Jupiter conjunction in Taurus (4/20,21). We'll begin to see and defend the weak spots in our boundaries, experience reversals and reviews of the past, and ideally create innovative eccentric ways to address them and create more purpose in grounded, practical ways. I keep hearing that lyric, "Free your mind, and the rest will follow..."

We're being asked to look back, reassess, and take new tactics, to be innovative and creative, moving with purpose, and to rebel against the way we've been told things should be. Is it beneficial for the individual and the collective? Is it reciprocal and equitable? Let's experiment and dream up some new ways of being and doing in the world.

General Overview for Rising and Sun Signs

Aries: you're going to want to burn it all down and start over, but take a beat. Don't rush ahead until you reassess to see how you have grown, especially in value and self-worth. Your concept of what is possible may change, and expand to bring more money and more confidence to take opportunities. Go hard, but don't be impulsive

Confidence Playlist on Spotify

Taurus: take the position of observer of your own life. Curiously watch the patterns that repeat and the symptoms of what you can't see (about yourself) as what sabotages you from your unconscious mind reveals itself. Then you can make new, innovative steps in the direction of your dreams. Speaking of dreams, pay attention to their message.

Use this Journal and this pen (so you never have to turn on the light) to record your dreams (with my original painting)

Gemini: there may be some jealousy or issues around your reputation this month showing you who is truly supportive and beneficial to you and who is not. Cultivate a circle of friends who elevate you. It may feel like you're lucky once you shift toward your people, but don't forget to be grateful. You're not doing it alone, you're being supported in unseen ways.

Reclaim the Flames may be helpful

Cancer: new seeds are sown through disturbances in your public-facing life: career and reputation. It may be a time to change jobs or positions. You may find luck and help from a new unusual, quirky, even eccentric new benefactor. Be open to new opportunities that come your way and look to blue sky and unexplored territory as your goals and plans shift.

Blue Ocean Strategy for Life and Growth

Leo: big transformation of your perspectives and philosophies. Let your mind be blown, and keep it open. Studying, reading, travel, and new spiritual endeavors are on the docket. Let inspiration and insight carry you into new fields of thought. Research, question, rebel against the status quo, and learn to think in maybes.

Try this book: Untethered Soul or work with Me

Virgo: Learn to be open to synchronicities (meaningful coincidences) and experiment with following them into experiences that lie just beyond your point of view. Do things you've never done before. Go to a new place of worship, meeting, class, or lecture. You will discover a new significant relationship (not necessarily romantic) that will assist you over the threshold of a deeper, more engaging life.

Try Meetup

Libra: you will have people come back into your life to review and clear up past issues. You may experience more anxiety or fear about things that seem almost magical or other-worldly, but don't let that carry you away. Lean into mindful practices like meditation, prayer, or tapping to regain calm. Then take practical steps toward what is real and grounded, like consistency and commitment that create safe intimacy.

Scorpio: You may start a new job. You'll be seeing things coming to fruition at the full moon that were begun long ago. A new, unusual, and unique person may appear in your life or an old relationship may make a return. They'll inspire new purpose, creativity, and innovation. Communicate authentically and clearly to prevent misunderstandings and begin new routines and habits for health and productivity.

Sagittarius: this month will be full of fun challenges for you, because you love change and adventure! Focus on passions, pleasure, creativity, romance, and fun. Perhaps you'll resurrect an old special interest or ex-love. Things may shift and expand in work and habits and health, but your response to these challenges should be compassionate, playful, and simple. Let yourself be eccentric and youthful.

Capricorn: you may need to move your "nest", get a new job, make new friends... there may be delays and discomforts. You don't like change, so turn your home into a safe, peaceful, comforting place. Deepen your roots and address structural imbalances. But, have faith that any change or surprise will benefit you in the end, so try to be creative and let things play out.

Try this simple Feng Shui guide

Aquarius: clean up lines of communication with siblings and neighbors. Things will change the fishbowl in which you swim, so do what you can to keep it clean. Some things will shift and reverse, be flexible and creative to keep the environment healthy. You may need to review basic skills and make trips down memory lane. Think "editing" and move forward toward wide-open spaces and emotional freedom.

Pisces: Review your budget. If things get tight, look to your community. Seek out assistance and opportunities from your network. There may be organizations, workshops, or groups that can help in ways you don't even know about. These new relationships formed through networking will bring opportunity, optimism, and breakthroughs.

The Degree dilemma

I am in my last semester of University... for the third time. In 1999 I dropped out of my first last semester of college at the lush and verdant age of 23. The arrogance and ignorance of youth duped me into thinking I could just finish it up whenever. I was married with a child and in the top 5% of my graduating class-- I only had three classes left: Poetry, the American Novel, and an upper-level Psychology class for my Minor. I was also expecting a baby, and very sick. My husband went off to train to be an Air Force Officer and I missed him, our son missed him, and we were living in my In-Laws' house till he finished with his Officer training. I stupidly decided to drop my classes and finish later.

I went on to have six children in total, homeschooling all of them until it was time to pack them off to fend for themselves in the public education system. All those 18 years of educating my children I came up against the idea that I wasn't a fit educator unless I had a degree. I debated this truth with anyone who challenged my ability to teach my kids, and my children were exhibit A. My children are smart, creative, expressive, critical thinkers, and the proof of my skills as an educator. But in the back of my mind, there was a niggle-- had I failed myself?

In 2018, almost 20 years after I had dropped out, I began again. My marriage was failing and I was going through a big existential crisis around my persona as a "mother" because my children were beginning to leave the nest. Who am I if I'm not being Mom all the time? I had a large employment gap and no degree... how was I going to support myself?

We lived out in the rural piedmont of the Blue Ridge mountains southwest of DC. At LEAST an hour from any four-year institution, I considered going back to the school I had dropped out of for a year. I'd have to pay out-of-state tuition, take all the new required courses for graduation, and be away from my children for two semesters. I decided to go to an accredited online program instead, which had its challenges and drawbacks, as well. Out in the boonies, we had only shoddy satellite internet, no cell service, and lived thirty minutes from any towns with libraries with reliable internet connection.

My then-husband suggested I get an HR Management degree since there were few quality liberal arts programs online at that time. I imagined myself helping people navigate their work lives in cute outfits and offering life advice to coworkers. I was clueless, but I agreed. I studied statistics, change management, and organizational planning and hated every minute of it. I had finished all my coursework but my last class, the Capstone. And... my computer kept melting down, my internet was terrible, I was getting a divorce, my ex was bullying me constantly to get a job, and I got sick over and over and over. I enrolled and withdrew from my Capstone course two consecutive semesters and then... decided to take a break. I could take the class within the year, no problem. But I didn't. I worked on selling the marital home, negotiating a divorce, getting my kids settled into public school, and moving.

By the time my mind turned back to a degree, the deadline had passed, I would have to take even more classes, and I just hated the idea of being in HR. I began to train as a Reiki Practioner, a Jungian Life Coach, I began painting and writing poetry and dating. And, in the back of my mind, I thought, "You just bailed on yourself... you could have had a degree." All that self-development work was beneficial, don't get me wrong. I traveled. I found myself. I have some amazing stories to tell now. I'd meet an amazing man and go on a date and he'd ask me, "What do you do? What did you major in?" and I'd feel embarrassed.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think a college degree makes a person smarter. Intelligence comes in many forms. A mind is sharpened by following curiosity, research, by digging deep into ideas and concepts and philosophies. Skills develop, critical thinking and logic get honed... anyone can make the most of the potential they were born with. A library can be a better way to sharpen intelligence than a University. But... and this is the crux of the thing, I loved college, and I had worked hard to get good grades and gather new ideas. I'd spent countless hours to get a degree that wasn't complete.

But a degree is not just a piece of paper. According to the APLU:

• College graduates are half as likely to be unemployed as their peers who only have a high school degree.

• Typical earnings for bachelor's degree holders are $36,000 or 84 percent higher than those whose highest degree is a high school diploma.

• College graduates on average make $1.2 million more over their lifetime.

That piece of paper could statistically increase my earning capacity for sure, but it was also the prize, the result of years of time and labor. I had nothing to show for literally hundreds of hours of work except less money. The big question I have been asking myself is, why did I quit? I justified it to myself a thousand ways, but recently, I've come to wonder if I was somehow sabotaging myself.

A couple of years ago, I tried again, but this time in person, and studying what I truly love. I enrolled at a small liberal arts college and then moved to the cute little artsy town it occupies to reduce commute time. This historic community is LOVELY and I found a sweet little place close to the river, in a walking community, which is my ideal situation. I debated whether to major in Studio Art or Creative Writing or Philosophy, but I found out that Bachelors could be obtained most quickly as a Creative Writing major, and now I had stories to tell!

So, here I am, in my last semester once again, and watching as I subtly and subconsciously undermining myself. This time I won't allow whatever fear is keeping me from finishing to take me down! I plan to take control of my inner Saboteur. I have already begun! I have started to address each problem as it comes up in a multi-pronged approach. My French grade is pretty low, currently-- that means studying vocabulary right before I sleep at night to help my brain place the information in the correct part of my memory. But, I have a habit of surfing my phone as I settle in which could undermine this French drill habit formation. This phone thing keeps me from sleeping well and distracts me from the other before-bed practices I know I would benefit from carrying through on.

Getting the theme here? "Carrying Through." Someone needs more follow-through.

I'll start with structural change and move my charger to a place that will keep me from picking up my phone and build from there. Next is working on physical flash cards. I don't want to use electronic flashcards for obvious reasons having to do with smartphones and dopamine addiction.

There are other perspectives through which I plan to address this subtle self-sabotage, but for now, let me leave you with this quote from James Clear's book Atomic Habits.

"You do not rise to the level of your goals, you fall to the level of your systems."

A More Beautiful World is Possible

March 2024 General Forecast

This is an expanded version of a short article being published in the March edition of the Black River Times

More and more in conversation, I hear a longing and hunger for a deep sense of meaning. There is a longing for a meaningful life that isn't rooted in institution or duty, but instead in personal expression. This new hunger for Purpose is forward-thinking, visionary, and idealistic. It centers around the idea that each of us carries certain gifts, talents, and genius that allow us to have a unique impact that not only helps our World in some way but also feels good to the self. People long for a vision of something so different and beautiful it calls to our Higher Self, and we desire a unique role in that shift toward beauty that feels good to carry out. We're moving toward individuation instead of conformity and giving away our power to others.

I have been diving into these ideas of reimagining the future by reading a lot of Charles Eisenstein. The last couple of years, I’ve attended a festival hosted by Fit for Service designed around the ideas in Eisenstein’s book, The More Beautiful World our Hearts Know is Possible (you can get it here). Eisenstein is a visionary who sees all of what is broken and unsustainable in our world, not just from an ecological standpoint, but from a human standpoint. There is no fluff or hiding his eyes from the truth of what is. He reveals it in such a clear, unfiltered way that there are times I think, no wonder we try to look away and distract ourselves from this. He speaks about the Story of Control, in the Age of Separation we are leaving behind, and the Story of Interbeing, in the Age of Reunion that is being born. He writes, on page 234:

“Working on the level of story has two dimensions. First is to disrupt the old, which says, ‘What you thought was real is just an illusion.’ Second, is to offer the new, which says, ‘The possible, and the real, are much grander than you knew.’ The first, we experience as crisis and breakdown. The second, we experience as miraculous. That’s what a miracle is: not the intercession of an external divinity in worldly affairs that violates the laws of physics, but something that is impossible fromwithin an old Story of the World and possible from a new one.”

Full Moon Eclipse in Libra

We have a lunar eclipse on March 25th in Libra near the South Node that will help us find this deeper sense of meaning in life, this More Beautiful World. The themes around the eclipse are centered around a future vision of this harmonious future, higher purpose, the metaphorical "city on a hill" in the distance that we're aiming for. As Venus moves from Aquarius into Pisces on the 11th and Mars follows her on the 22nd, we'll feel a subtle shift in how we're building that sense of harmony, connection, and purpose in our lives. When these two share a sign, it's a chance to create inner and outer reconciliation in one way or another that moves us to support our dreams with rightly aligned and effective action. The eclipse will help us make space in our lives for those newly framed visions and the action steps to make them a reality, and you're going to feel this inevitable shift leading up to the eclipse. You may already be feeling it.

A note on eclipses:

Change is difficult for all of us, but change is inevitable. It's vitally necessary and beneficial. There will be fated exits, transformations, and new paths to explore. Our best strategy in times of great change and transformation is to let go of our white-knuckled resistance and ride the wave in a way that creates anticipation instead of fear. It takes mastery to release the idea that you must do your best to stop inevitable change to protect yourself. Resistance to what is causes massive pain and discomfort and is a waste of your precious life and energy and health. Instead, use the movement of what is happening right now to navigate shifts and changes in ways that are beneficial to us and open up new possibilities.

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Overview for Each Sign (Ascendant, Sun, Moon)

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Note: I link to my own products but also use affiliate links, unless noted otherwise.

ARIES: Relationships (perhaps, but not necessarily romantic) are the central focus here. Transformations that bring clarity about codependent or manipulative dynamics. There may be partings or breakups, but these may invite more support from your tribe or community. These shifts are more likely to be external but may be entirely internal. The theme is to let go of the fear of loss. Open your hands and let love breathe and move freely.

Book Recommendation for Aries: OSHO This one helped me redefine love

TAURUS: Check the balance in your habits and routines: is your energy being placed where it benefits your bigger goals and priorities? Take some time to consciously create routines that bring more health to your body, mind, spirit, and relationships. Analyze your time and energy: what matters most and is your life honoring your values and long-term vision? Be rational about what is sabotaging progress and let it go. The eclipse will force your hand, otherwise.

Book Recommendation for Taurus: Balance Journal

GEMINI: Inner child work is on the docket for this month. Think about what nourishes and creates joy in the most vulnerable parts of you. What is your relationship to pleasure? Are your addictions (to substances, work, your cell phone, etc.) crutches to help you avoid the inner work of feeling and healing early pains? Or, are you depriving yourself of simple, wholesome goodness like sunshine and sleep? Stop distracting and nourish what matters.

Recommendation: Magnesium Cream for Sleep

CANCER: Deep transformation in roots, home, and the role of your parents in your life and psyche. More likely internal and emotional. Seek help from a professional, if necessary, but just sitting with figuring out what in you is authentic and what is programmed from childhood is a good start. Are your learned survival techniques helping you or holding you back? Perhaps it's time to learn and cultivate something new...

Recommendation: Naiad Lineage Oil

LEO: There may be a transformation in your communication and connection with siblings, or your immediate neighborhood. The "marketing" of what you have to offer the world is subject to transformation here. Think about starting a business or side hustle. Later in the month, what needs reconciliation within and around you? Self-compassion and forgiveness are important.

Read The Four Agreements

VIRGO: Transformation in confidence and self-worth. You are inherently valuable and worthy. Allow others to help you instead of over-giving. Ask for help. Maybe ask for a raise. Learn to receive! Declutter everything (Marie Kondo) to open up space to receive. Later in the month, opportunities for new or deeper relationships but... this depends on how much space you make earlier in the month!

Not that you Virgos need help organizing but… Marie Kondo’s book: The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up

LIBRA: big transformation of personal identity and self-concept toward more authenticity. Open up to it and make time to grieve and honor the old you, but take a beat to celebrate the changes you're making. This move into deeper authenticity could magnetize new harmonious and reciprocal relationships (maybe falling in love). Restructuring your life around these shifts later in the month could take place. Use that planner!

I use the Magic of I planner (no affiliation)

SCORPIO: Fated, deep transformation of any toxic or obsessive relationship dynamics. Let go of judgment or controlling behavior or trying to get the Other to stay or be what you need. Release attachment to how people show up in your life. What if they're already doing their best? Instead, reclaim your devotion to self, become whole, and step out of codependent dynamics. This inner work can attract new fun and romance and perhaps a destined meeting later in March.

Recommendation: Letting Go by David R. Hawkins

SAGITTARIUS: your transformation has to do with reputation and community, let go of people pleasing or over-investment. This is a time to notice reciprocity. Perhaps a whole network needs to go. Be open to new connections that may bring opportunities for business or networking endeavors in your community. Go to networking events. Work on nesting at the end of the month. Public vs. Private dynamic.

Check out the Transition Network

CAPRICORN: deep transformation in attitudes around work. Let go of proving yourself or "showing" your parents by either living up to or rebelling against their expectations. This is a great time to apply for a new job that feels more aligned with your authentic self. Maybe apply for a new job, perhaps even in a new place. Alternately, new client group at work and more focus on work/life balance. You are not your job and your job is not your life.

Try this alarm clock designed to give you time away from your phone, I love mine: The Loftie

AQUARIUS: leaving behind or transforming old belief systems and inner stories. These inner stories around belonging, worth, loveability, and possibility can shift relationships, self-concept, persona, possibilities in wealth and opportunity. You'll be cultivating confidence and gaining wisdom from these shifts in sub-conscious belief structures. Learn to fill your cup first, and pour only from a full cup. Watch how it shifts reality.

Recommendation: connect with me and get some coaching, this goes for other signs, too!

PISCES: Letting go of deep, primal fears and the behaviors they create. Noticing and having curiosity about triggers. Why do you respond this way? Releasing conflicts and patterns around getting validation and value from others. Depth work is in order. There is a shift in a partner's wealth or passive income. Later in the month, refresh your look, or how you present yourself, and use the momentum of that energy to make shifts and changes in your life. New look, new you. Try The Sage

Pygmalion’s Advice

to Galatea’s daughter, on coming of age: a Patriarchal Primer

for Western Women, bred to breed and be displayed.

“The Beloved dreams of a pedestal till she can’t move a muscle. Shrink

smaller and smaller over time on the outside.

Breathe very softly or he’ll realize you have your own thoughts. Silent

and shiny, a fine trophy is polished, gives him status.

Master the ability to hold a pleasant pose when he looks. Good,

well trained girls find the light and work the angles.

Withold elevated perspective, he fears heights and dissent. Know,

he’ll put his eyes on your eyeballs to see inside your head.

Look hollow, easy to fill with his frustration and children. Open

legs and empty head that echoes opinions in glossy, sweet tones.

Remain still and perhaps he won’t notice ideas bigger than his. Hide

thoughts in the hollow under your tongue and mew.

To have and to hold are words of owning. You’re bought and paid for now. Stay

still, in the kitchen, collared by oaths, don’t wrinkle, look untouched.

Black leather rules, finger bound. Gold circles last. Forever

vows are webs to catch the man that cages you.

Never forget I was first.”

***

This piece contains the lies I held as a young woman. The Patriarchal objectification of humans, the idea that one must earn love, the obsession with outer form, tangible production, and function over true essence. I don’t know that it is completely expunged from my system, but I am here to do the deep work.

With all my Love,

Melissa Naiad

Anthurium

Pink, glossy leaves spread wide,

holding juicy, wet puddles

of desire and longing.

Liquid release and relief vibrate

round the proud, tall tower of

fruity blooms, a seductive symphony.

Subtle vocabulary, written for avian eyes

and winged things. Waves of frequency,

felt vibration, deep in human flesh.

The fluorescent orange lance 

of tiny swollen flowers, bursting,

holds a perfect inflorescence.

Bold bracts, neon veins and valleys,

breathing and trembling, are

moats of clear, pure, liquid love.

A safe pool for wanting,

for bees and bright birds,

sated by this magenta world.

Beachy invitations, unseen innuendo, and

salt waves teasing… all reaching 

for this glowy temple of melting bliss.

Brutal black boulders and stinging sand,

volcanic, heated, pink flames engulf, and

All is One in me.

Reclaiming the Flames

O​nce upon a time...

Two of my female ancestors, 11th and 12th antecedents, died in Salem Village, Massachusetts in 1692. These women were a bit too shiny and happy and prosperous and ended up being tried and hung as witches, and I can tell you, my body remembers. ​

Spoken word Performance of this channelled transmission, Reclaiming the Flames.

There came a time, in the great Cosmic turning, when the human connection to the Earth's truest Consciousness was overtaken by an overbalancing of the Solar energies. The feminine was hidden and repressed. Women forgot how to walk in their Knowing and in their Power. As time went by, when a woman remembered, when she was too bright and too happy, when she had learned to trust her body's guidance and her heart and honored the natural cycles of her Great Mother Earth, and her Sister Luna, when she knew to harness love and plants to heal and to whole, she was often dragged down, brought low, and humbled through persecution.

The Light Bearers were accused by their sisters, eaten away with envy for the seemingly magical way these Shining Ones who still remembered their Mother prospered and found joy and stability through their internal compass of Knowing. Women who wakened to the potent, sacred, fecund, and fertile energy their wombs held were hanged, burned, and drowned, by aroused men, frightened at the way their virile strength and force melted in the face of that Embodiment of Power. Fear overtook us, and as those Ancient Ones called to serve as Wisdom Keepers, as Wise Women, as Midwives and Mystics, Oracles and embodied Feminine Divines, we remember. We remember that to shine too bright invited pain, exclusion, torture, and abandonment.

Our DNA bears the memory. Every cell screams it out when we feel Seen and Recognized. We see the evidence of contracts with our soul family to keep us small, to keep us dimmed, not realizing these contracts were made out of love. We wanted to stay hidden until the time was ripe, until Gaia was awakened and reborn, so that we did not incur more of this trauma and pain, lifetime after lifetime. This time is upon us, for we are living in this Ripening, in this Turning. We are healing this wound, we wombkeepers, in our own wombs and in our own hearts, and clearing these contracts, made out of love, to keep us from getting slaughtered for shining too brightly.

We are burning again, but this time it is with JOY! We bathe ourselves with etheric multidimensional flames. We are throwing ourselves into the alchemical flames of Divine Union, of Divine Love, of Divine Will, of Grace to purify and transmute this pain and trauma, for it is the Time to be the Golden Shining Ones once again. Remember Yourself, Remember your Truth, your Potential, your Calling, your Fullness. Remember that you are the Embodiment of the Divine, walking on the face of the Earth, blessing her with every footstep, in a Sacred Body Temple of Beauty.

Clawing my Way out of the Grave

I hate the beginning of my story, even if the journey brought me to where I am today. I grieve for the girl that endured so much from toddlerhood. I grieve for my parents and for my lineage. I feel compassion for my children for having such a wounded mother.

I had a traumatic childhood filled with neglect, abandonment, and displacement, and very early losses of innocence. I went to 10 schools and learned to be friendly and charming and pleasing, to earn my place. I was married at 20 to a nice, smart, handsome, hardworking man that I worked hard to please... no matter how inauthentically. He and I had 6 children who I home schooled and I served myself up for hoping to earn love. I was steeped in self-sacrifice, shadow contracts, and codependent patterning. I home schooled my children, went to church, and hesitated to give myself anything, to have desires, or to dream.

In 2011-2012, I had a spontaneous Kundalini Awakening, and a primal life force began to awaken in me that I didn't understand. Without a guide or mentor, my behavior seemed erratic and unhealthy to the family who depended on my self-sacrifice and service. To maintain the status quo, I abandoned my true nature, medicated it away, and stifled it, which sent me into a spiral of depression and numbing. I was in a crisis of identity that I tried hard to put off for 5 years. Where I had experienced pain, I began to fracture from my emotions. I became unable to feel at all, a zombie that did the bare minimum to keep the family running.

In 2017, my oldest son left home for the military and told me he needed time not talking to me to figure out who he was as a man. I felt rejected, and as he came of age, I was forced through a gauntlet of feelings of abandonment rooted in my own childhood wounds, and the grief of close connection lost and tribal rejection. I had built my whole life and persona around being a good wife and mother, and if I wasn't mothering, who was I?? This showed me clearly that I was living a sham of a life, pretending to be happy and fulfilled when I was desperately miserable, deadened to joy, and felt unloved, unworthy, unvalued, and unseen. I was empty and spinning.

At this pivotal crisis point we moved my daughter's best friend into our home. She came to us with stories of rejection and abuse, but I observed that she had internal mental and emotional patterns that kept her in victim mentality and misery. I watched her choose to reinforce her misery every day and began to look at myself... am I choosing this as well? I began to see that I had a choice... I could choose to keep spinning in misery, domestication, and obligation, or... I could fight for my life. She ended up being hospitalized, and I began to choose to look at the points of light.

I​ focused on the beauty in my every day. I started to work out, to read self-help books, to go to therapy, all the practices that I thought would help me feel better. It gave me some movement forward and temporary relief. I began to have glimpses of hope that I could change my life and create a new experience for myself. I still had no idea who was authentically inhabiting my body. My whole persona had been constructed to please and earn a place at the table and keep a roof over my head. I was smack dab in the middle of a midlife crisis.

Therapy confirmed this, and I began to move toward activities and people that called to my inner child, to the maiden in me. Then, I met some deeply significant souls who activated me, highlighted my wounds so I could see them, and showed me that I had some desires and interests outside the small life I had constructed that now felt like a cage. My husband panicked, his sweet, pleasing, self-sacrificing wife was changing, was choosing herself more, was not so controllable or meek. I stopped playing the part assigned to me (by me and society) and while I sometimes projected my internal feeling of stuckness onto him and painted him the jailer in my mind, I was delving deep into radical self-sovereignty. I began taking responsibility for what was happening in every area of my life, little by little.

I​ decided to start an art project. I studied each chakra and began to do inner work around the themes and ideas that each chakra represented. I dove into correspondences, herbs, stones, colors, sounds, ideas that supported healing in the layered bodies. This project brought me deeper into myself, and the acknowledgment of what my body and mind truly needed. I began to awaken my authenticity and allow myself to have dreams and desires. I apprenticed at a Mystery School and began to study Reiki, to study the Unconscious, to paint and create from inspiration. I began to trust myself and to master systems that I had shunned earlier in my life. I began to heal my deep wounding and reprogram my limbic brain in Shadow Work to open up new possibilities, to have different relationship patterns. I began to travel and to trust myself, and I learned Radical Self-Devotion.

I spent a year purging unfelt, stored emotion in my body. I made questionable decisions. I failed. I started over and over. I disappointed people in the effort to quit betraying myself. I lost friends and was ostracized by my support network and even my family. I learned through toxic relationships. I went from financially supported to finding ways to create my own wealth. I magnetized new opportunities when the "proven methods" inexplicably didn't work for me. I tried out ideas and proved to myself that theory is not the same as execution and experience. I lost the white picket fence life that I had been conditioned to want and a lot of security. I let go of almost everything of my old life except my children and my mastered systems and skills as I clawed my way out of a grave.

What did I learn? So many things! I learned what I didn't want. I learned what didn't work. I learned I had patterns in my life that showed me where unconscious wounds and patterns were sabotaging me from the foundation up. I watched myself learn to follow my intuition into the most magical experience and then the next day sabotage my own progress out of subconscious fears. I learned how to rebuild, reprogram and balance that foundation to build something more aligned and satisfying for myself. I learned how to heal my body, how to heal others, how to heal Gaia. I learned that the pursuit of perfection is a dead end, but flow and movement and harmony between polarities is LIFE. I found out that the idealistic dreams of little me weren't impossible, that life can be fun and a juicy adventure full of romance and interesting challenges.

The core concepts that I mastered in this epic journey to self were non-duality, self-sovereignty, self devotion, and the concept of the personal and collective shadow and how to work with it. I learned through systems like yoga, fascia work, meditation, tantra, tarot, and others, but the most transformative system for me was Shadow Work. The Gene Keys, Human Design, Shamanic work, and hiring great coaches were all important aspects of this work in and with the Unconscious.

A​s I look back, I sometimes wish I could give myself the advice to go ahead and choose what is right for me, instead of feel like my whole reason for existing was to serve the needs and desires of others (a codependent program of not being inherently worthy of love or valuable). I wish I had had the courage to say no to what I had no desire to participate in and take the road that seemed more challenging, but I KNEW was correct. I would give myself the hint that internal resistance is a signal that it's gonna be great when it comes to shifting internal patterns and having a better experience of life.

Most importantly, I wish I'd known that "doing it alone" is a form of self-sabotage and gotten more coaching and community early on. Relationships that make our egos comfortable keep us in our crap and victimhood and enable our addictions and patterns. Perhaps that is why I love to empower others to reclaim a life that is wild and deep and create art that is full of expansion, but in a more intentional, harmonious way. I've made the mistakes and missteps and fallen in all the pits, so I can guide others through those challenges with embodied wisdom.

I learned that I am brave AF! I create change by leaning into discomfort, not running from it. And also, that I am a channel, and a conduit, for the collective consciousness of this planet. I am an Oracle and I create not from my mind, but from the wisdom that is in and above us all. And from this, I create art and beauty and harmony in many forms with many mediums. I am a Creator and Conduit here to bring something new to humanity not as a teacher, but as an example and wayshower of practical application of intuitive wisdom. A pattern not to be replicated, but to be observed to empower others to be authentic and brave and individuated in harmony with the tribe and collective organism.

I've succeeded and will continue to succeed in creating a magical life. Here I am now, with so many unbelievable stories, so engaged in and enthusiastic about life. I've traveled to places I never thought I would see, and met people who have wisdom to convey that I would never have met. I have a full, juicy, meaningful, electric life that tells me I am on the path I am meant for. I have experienced the Divine, the True Self so viscerally, so tangibly that I need not have faith or belief, because I KNOW. I watch my knowing play out every day. I magnetize aligned relationships and opportunities that are evidence that my inner work is creating my outer experience. The world changes for me as I become whole. I have walked many paths, and I will walk more. I will try and things will work or not work, but each lesson is correct. I revel in and wonder at my wonderful, full, expansive, creative life every day! I am so grateful for this life, and I am proud of myself for having the courage to follow my inner Oracle.